How seriously do you take something that a person says to you, or says about you?
Does it roll right off your back?
Or does it linger, fester, and eat your heart alive?
We are going to talk about this.
See, you can handle it one of those two ways. I only wish that I could handle it like option one.
When you feel like a nothing, if someone says something to you, and it pretty much discredits all you are trying to do, do your best, make your way, make you feel like even more of a nothing....woah.
It's as if that self worth that you don't have, has taken an even lower dip into those negative numbers.
Now, you are at war, once again with yourself. It's not a good way to be living.
So for quite a few days, this has been the story, not even being able to take the way those words felt, til I had a talk with my mother, like I always do.
Thing about my mother is, she knows what's up. You can't hide diddley squat from her. And she has a lot of the answers. One thing she showed me, is that she has never cared what anyone negative things anyone said. She's got her own thing going, and if anyone thinks they can say something to her, and change the way she marches for the worst, well tough cookies, they are going to be disappointed. This woman WEARS ARMOR.
She made me realize, who cares? I just need to keep doing what I am doing and not let those things get me down. When you have low self esteem, things will hit you, knock you down, who knows when you get up again? Mama never had this problem.
So, I am going to take her advice, and not let this stuff eat at me. I don't need another battle to fight. I've been fighting stuff since I was a little girl, I've had it.
After this, on the way back up the steps to home after a pretty eventful night, where it just got to me too much, I took a deep breath and said: "I'm gonna be ok". And Mom said: "Yes, you are".
So I want to pass on some of her wisdom, maybe it will help somebody out there.
Just let it roll off your back. Keep doing all of the good that you are doing. You will be ok.
I love my mother, darn it.
Monday, January 18, 2016
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Poetic Mumbo Jumbo.
If I Could Be You.
If I could be you for just an hour, I'd appreciate the
beauty I possess. Olive skin and darkened tress, to be I'm
awe of the new odd shape I've shifted.
Wouldn't need affirmation or reflection, I'd give myself a
New kind of affection, if I were you, I'd be enough for me.
Strolling Brooklyn or hills in the old country, some person
may just stop to look, I'd look them in the eye and nod, gee,
never done that before.
Could be charming, smart and witty, you'd see and prepare
to be disarmed. But I can't be you or anybody, but to fade to
dust, covered in with sand and years.
When the paint wears off, the smile will subside, what's left
is a woman broken up, what does make up do but put on a
show?
Had I been you, I wouldn't need it and could love myself and
be satisfied...imagine if I could do that with my own body and
mind.
And I'd settle to be a chain around your neck, with sainted medals.....
Sister Of The North.
Sister of the Northern, of flowing golden hair, how did
fate drive two paths to collide?
How, may I ask, so many miles farther? You could jump at
the chance, your convent is not an ivory tower.
It's cold up that way, are long distance calls so warm?
It looks like luck and kismet is at your side, the good Lord
gave you my wish and left my soul to frost.
Sister of the Northern, of golden flowing hair, if you had
known me, would you have dared?
Social Melt.
No angels left to walk the Earth, no Red Sea parting over
the dirt, as far back to look, killings been an art, but let us
keep our hands clean instead.
No more miracles being performed, big men call recruits
for fighting. Life moves fast, as soon as a blink, if I wanted
a circle, I'd skate at a rink.
I really dig standing next to you. The day is short, might
as well be true. If you walked far through the gates, I'd be
grey and alone, all I needed was to take you home, its true,
I really dig standing next to you.
Snow comes after Christmas, who wants it around?
Industry has moved and took the boom from little towns,
Old railroad tracks still run through.
Tonight I stood in a familiar square, the memory of meeting
will always be there.
Rainbow In A Blackbird.
Bird on the roof jumped today, fly, float, sing for your
life.
A bird with exotic rainbow feathers snatched his heart
quick, like an earthworm, blessed is not one who waits in
line.
A bird of rainbow plumage catches faster then a blackbird.
That darn Cardinal knew not of the rainbow in a blackbird's
soul.
Bird on the roof jumped today, fly, float, sing for your
life.
A Cardinal knows not of the rainbow in a blackbird.
A blackbird is ever so damned.
If I could be you for just an hour, I'd appreciate the
beauty I possess. Olive skin and darkened tress, to be I'm
awe of the new odd shape I've shifted.
Wouldn't need affirmation or reflection, I'd give myself a
New kind of affection, if I were you, I'd be enough for me.
Strolling Brooklyn or hills in the old country, some person
may just stop to look, I'd look them in the eye and nod, gee,
never done that before.
Could be charming, smart and witty, you'd see and prepare
to be disarmed. But I can't be you or anybody, but to fade to
dust, covered in with sand and years.
When the paint wears off, the smile will subside, what's left
is a woman broken up, what does make up do but put on a
show?
Had I been you, I wouldn't need it and could love myself and
be satisfied...imagine if I could do that with my own body and
mind.
And I'd settle to be a chain around your neck, with sainted medals.....
Sister Of The North.
Sister of the Northern, of flowing golden hair, how did
fate drive two paths to collide?
How, may I ask, so many miles farther? You could jump at
the chance, your convent is not an ivory tower.
It's cold up that way, are long distance calls so warm?
It looks like luck and kismet is at your side, the good Lord
gave you my wish and left my soul to frost.
Sister of the Northern, of golden flowing hair, if you had
known me, would you have dared?
Social Melt.
No angels left to walk the Earth, no Red Sea parting over
the dirt, as far back to look, killings been an art, but let us
keep our hands clean instead.
No more miracles being performed, big men call recruits
for fighting. Life moves fast, as soon as a blink, if I wanted
a circle, I'd skate at a rink.
I really dig standing next to you. The day is short, might
as well be true. If you walked far through the gates, I'd be
grey and alone, all I needed was to take you home, its true,
I really dig standing next to you.
Snow comes after Christmas, who wants it around?
Industry has moved and took the boom from little towns,
Old railroad tracks still run through.
Tonight I stood in a familiar square, the memory of meeting
will always be there.
Rainbow In A Blackbird.
Bird on the roof jumped today, fly, float, sing for your
life.
A bird with exotic rainbow feathers snatched his heart
quick, like an earthworm, blessed is not one who waits in
line.
A bird of rainbow plumage catches faster then a blackbird.
That darn Cardinal knew not of the rainbow in a blackbird's
soul.
Bird on the roof jumped today, fly, float, sing for your
life.
A Cardinal knows not of the rainbow in a blackbird.
A blackbird is ever so damned.
Friday, January 15, 2016
Little Old Lady Goes To Starbucks: Plus Three Questions.
It is 1:17 AM. I am running on only five hours of sleep from the previous night. Been working on so so many projects that I really hope to share with you soon!
Today was a mixed emotion day, went to the supermarket with my mother--insert plug: if you want to see the stuff she hauled from Wal Mart, check out the "Eight Gypsies" YouTube channel. I didn't post a haul, but I hauled home baby's first skin foundation (in their whitest shade, really digging this) and some yarn.
I am planning to try out the Scrubby yarn by Red Heart. Might make some scrubbies to sell, who knows?
This dawned on me as my Mother and I grabbed our drinks from the drive thru at Starbucks.
She orders a Double Choclatey chip Frappe.
I get some lime refresher thing, I don't even know the name of.
Seeing these drinks, reflects our personalities. She's a grown woman with a need for dark, delicious chocolate flavors, and I am a Fruity Rooty Tooty teenager, digging all those fruity drinks. I get the little lady drink!!
Interesting.
They were our of my usual strawberry acai, and no paninis, so I could not get the spicy Italian sandwich that I wanted to try out. Bummer. However, Yummy salami!
Another conclusion I came to, dawned after a really hard shift at work, of no mercy.
Dear Lord, I prayed for it to be over and done with. I ended up working forty five mins after my shift was supposed to end.
My hips are in constant pain. Grew so hard to bear, that I had to take an ibuprofen. I can't barely walk right now. My knees are shaking, and on top of that, I'm having some really bad worry problems, that are making my stomach sick.
Conclusion? I'M A 17 YEAR OLD LITTLE OLD LADY!!!!! What on EARTH?
On a lighter note...three questions:
What is your favorite Starbucks drink?
Did anyone see "Daddy's Home" at the movies? It was the bomb.
Do you have a problem or series of problems that make you feel younger or older then you are?
Let me know!
Today was a mixed emotion day, went to the supermarket with my mother--insert plug: if you want to see the stuff she hauled from Wal Mart, check out the "Eight Gypsies" YouTube channel. I didn't post a haul, but I hauled home baby's first skin foundation (in their whitest shade, really digging this) and some yarn.
I am planning to try out the Scrubby yarn by Red Heart. Might make some scrubbies to sell, who knows?
This dawned on me as my Mother and I grabbed our drinks from the drive thru at Starbucks.
She orders a Double Choclatey chip Frappe.
I get some lime refresher thing, I don't even know the name of.
Seeing these drinks, reflects our personalities. She's a grown woman with a need for dark, delicious chocolate flavors, and I am a Fruity Rooty Tooty teenager, digging all those fruity drinks. I get the little lady drink!!
Interesting.
They were our of my usual strawberry acai, and no paninis, so I could not get the spicy Italian sandwich that I wanted to try out. Bummer. However, Yummy salami!
Another conclusion I came to, dawned after a really hard shift at work, of no mercy.
Dear Lord, I prayed for it to be over and done with. I ended up working forty five mins after my shift was supposed to end.
My hips are in constant pain. Grew so hard to bear, that I had to take an ibuprofen. I can't barely walk right now. My knees are shaking, and on top of that, I'm having some really bad worry problems, that are making my stomach sick.
Conclusion? I'M A 17 YEAR OLD LITTLE OLD LADY!!!!! What on EARTH?
On a lighter note...three questions:
What is your favorite Starbucks drink?
Did anyone see "Daddy's Home" at the movies? It was the bomb.
Do you have a problem or series of problems that make you feel younger or older then you are?
Let me know!
Saturday, January 9, 2016
A Little Talk on Some Big Problems.
I want to talk a little about Anxiety and Depression. I know, I don't write a whole lot anymore, only ending up writing in the middle of the night. This is important.
It has dawned on me tonight, that my Anxiety and Depression (A&D for short) has gotten a little better. It is not all the way there yet, but it is better. Sometimes I think there is no hope, but we only have to look back at our pasts to see how far we've come. My fellow folks with these problems, you know what I mean and how it is.
I have thrown up for a whole month, and couldn't eat much.
I couldn't sleep alone in a room by myself.
Was afraid of people, going down the street, of the past and of the future.
I haven't thrown up now since August. That passed. Only a week ago did the November/December long every night cryathon subside. I can sleep in my room with the door closed. I can walk down the street, meet and interact with so many people, but am still afraid of the future, still have confidence problems and a warped body image.
However, THINGS ARE LOOKING UP.
There's This odd relationship I have with God. I believe he helped give me all the problems that I have and have had with my physical and emotional health, however, I do believe that he has taken a good chunk of those problems away. I have a feeling they may come back, that even Cancer might return, but for now, a raging ocean is a rippling stream. Not too bad.
I am not going to force my belief on you, I hate being preached to, and don't claim a religion or label myself. I believe in God, yes, but I am NOT going to shove it down your throat, this is not what this post is about.
This post is for those who are going through somethings emotionally, and might need a little hope.
The feeling does not fully go away, but it does get a little better, you are going to be constantly fighting.
I just want to tell you this. Do not stop eating, or let your emotions get so bad, that all you can do is throw up all the time.
It's not good for you. If you cry a lot, that's a whole different story, I have no remedy for that, because I am a light switch and can't get a hold on it yet.
Just don't stop eating, and try to gather your reasons for living, no matter how bad, you DO NOT want to kill yourself.
The World is BAD. It is. But there are so many good things.
So many places, even in your own home state to go and see.
So many people to get to know, so many hugs to give.
So much good food to eat out there.
And I think you are pretty awesome.
It has dawned on me tonight, that my Anxiety and Depression (A&D for short) has gotten a little better. It is not all the way there yet, but it is better. Sometimes I think there is no hope, but we only have to look back at our pasts to see how far we've come. My fellow folks with these problems, you know what I mean and how it is.
I have thrown up for a whole month, and couldn't eat much.
I couldn't sleep alone in a room by myself.
Was afraid of people, going down the street, of the past and of the future.
I haven't thrown up now since August. That passed. Only a week ago did the November/December long every night cryathon subside. I can sleep in my room with the door closed. I can walk down the street, meet and interact with so many people, but am still afraid of the future, still have confidence problems and a warped body image.
However, THINGS ARE LOOKING UP.
There's This odd relationship I have with God. I believe he helped give me all the problems that I have and have had with my physical and emotional health, however, I do believe that he has taken a good chunk of those problems away. I have a feeling they may come back, that even Cancer might return, but for now, a raging ocean is a rippling stream. Not too bad.
I am not going to force my belief on you, I hate being preached to, and don't claim a religion or label myself. I believe in God, yes, but I am NOT going to shove it down your throat, this is not what this post is about.
This post is for those who are going through somethings emotionally, and might need a little hope.
The feeling does not fully go away, but it does get a little better, you are going to be constantly fighting.
I just want to tell you this. Do not stop eating, or let your emotions get so bad, that all you can do is throw up all the time.
It's not good for you. If you cry a lot, that's a whole different story, I have no remedy for that, because I am a light switch and can't get a hold on it yet.
Just don't stop eating, and try to gather your reasons for living, no matter how bad, you DO NOT want to kill yourself.
The World is BAD. It is. But there are so many good things.
So many places, even in your own home state to go and see.
So many people to get to know, so many hugs to give.
So much good food to eat out there.
And I think you are pretty awesome.
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Senior Prom Anticipation!
I am so ecstatic at this moment! I don't exactly know if this would merit as an exciting or blog worthy thing to others, but it is to me, I get very excited about things!
After many years of persuading, senior year has come, and I am going to the town's senior prom!
This is exciting since I am homeschooled. My mother has homeschooled me since age four, she also homeschools the other five children in our family. She is a good teacher, and must be so happy to be graduating one! One down, five to go!
I have to admit, I was not the best and most accepting homeschooled kid, I wanted to be doing the things that other teenagers were doing. I've been a loner all of my life, never had friends til I got my job last year, now I actually have some friends! We don't hang out, I am not allowed to stay over people's houses, but it is a pretty good thing going on.
I've always dreamed of going to the prom.ALWAYS. I always pictured myself in a beautiful dress with a really cute boy at my arm. I will have a beautiful dress, but no boy, as I am not allowed to date, however, I am allowed to dance with the boys there! That of which I am excited, I've never danced with a boy before. I don't count on it, but I hope there will be a nice Italian or Jewish boy to dance with.
The dress I am wearing is blue, and from the 70s. One of Dad's coworkers gave it to me. Prom is in May, I will be sure to post photos.
I thought of buying a dress, but I really wanted to be different and wear that pretty old blue dress. I'm already going to stand out a little being a homeschooled kid at a high school prom, why not go the extra mile, it's not going to hurt!
It's like my whole life lives up to this moment, something I've always wished for. No one has seen that, because they can't see directly into the heart, how much I am looking forward to and anticipating this.
It's like the six year old girl in me is so excited, expecting this fairy tale dream to come true.
The fourteen year old me is laughing it off, thinking it is not real, sadly thinking that there isn't a chance.
Then there is the 17 year old, so filled with awe and excitement.
I can't believe I have lived to be 17, and am going to the prom in a pretty blue dress.
After many years of persuading, senior year has come, and I am going to the town's senior prom!
This is exciting since I am homeschooled. My mother has homeschooled me since age four, she also homeschools the other five children in our family. She is a good teacher, and must be so happy to be graduating one! One down, five to go!
I have to admit, I was not the best and most accepting homeschooled kid, I wanted to be doing the things that other teenagers were doing. I've been a loner all of my life, never had friends til I got my job last year, now I actually have some friends! We don't hang out, I am not allowed to stay over people's houses, but it is a pretty good thing going on.
I've always dreamed of going to the prom.ALWAYS. I always pictured myself in a beautiful dress with a really cute boy at my arm. I will have a beautiful dress, but no boy, as I am not allowed to date, however, I am allowed to dance with the boys there! That of which I am excited, I've never danced with a boy before. I don't count on it, but I hope there will be a nice Italian or Jewish boy to dance with.
The dress I am wearing is blue, and from the 70s. One of Dad's coworkers gave it to me. Prom is in May, I will be sure to post photos.
I thought of buying a dress, but I really wanted to be different and wear that pretty old blue dress. I'm already going to stand out a little being a homeschooled kid at a high school prom, why not go the extra mile, it's not going to hurt!
It's like my whole life lives up to this moment, something I've always wished for. No one has seen that, because they can't see directly into the heart, how much I am looking forward to and anticipating this.
It's like the six year old girl in me is so excited, expecting this fairy tale dream to come true.
The fourteen year old me is laughing it off, thinking it is not real, sadly thinking that there isn't a chance.
Then there is the 17 year old, so filled with awe and excitement.
I can't believe I have lived to be 17, and am going to the prom in a pretty blue dress.
Monday, January 4, 2016
Roses and Playlists.
Happy New Year to all! Hope you guys had a wonderful and safe New Year Celebration, no sneakin' bubbly for this kid, cherry Pepsi all the way!
Only four days into 2016, and I've already completed several little projects, the hair pin flowers that I've been selling. I got the pattern from this link: http//jennozkan.com/2010/10/pattern-small-rosette/ hope the link works, my copy and paste system is kaput as of right now, so I had to type out the WHOLE THING.
These are really easy. You can make them in under 20 minutes. And they are adorable! It is easier then most flowers, you pretty much stitch a strand, then roll it up to look like a flower, detailing the folds any way you please, then you sew it together with your long yarn tail and yarn/tapestry needle.
In the above photo, I am in my brother and sister's room...they have all the cool Superhero posters.
When you crochet, you need some jams. I listen to a whole bunch of stuff, I would love to know what you are listening to as well! But I am going to pop into my YouTube list of most watched stuff and see what I listen to the most.
Crocheting Play list.
1: "Have I Sinned" by Lou Christie. (The 1964 version, THE HIGH ONE)
2: "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" by The Four Seasons. (My favorite horn section.)
3: "You Are Always On My Mind" by The Partridge Family.
4: "In Need Of A Friend" by The Cowsills
5: "You Won't Even Know Her Name" by Josephine Sunday.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)